I've just moved back to the home that my Mom and Dad bought in the late 1960s; Dad died in 2004, he is sorely missed, and now Mom is on the decline, brought about by 65 years of smoking, and being 80.75 years old.
I (Kate, middle child, just turned 47, dyke, Christian, democrat, overweight (any other descriptors needed?)), drove across this most beautiful country from North Carolina, to help take care of Mom, until her death.
I’m sitting here with my mom in the tv/sitting area of her house, where I have just moved in, to help take care of her for the last part of her days. So here we sit, early October, watching a Tampa Bay/Boston baseball game; she’s had her dinner, wine, evening drugs (and cigarettes) and the judgement, pessimism, negativity which I have come to associate with my Mom is beginning to show up. Also, my niece, who’s been sort of taking care of her for the past 3 months, is leaving soon, and although she’s been a help to Mom, I think she (Mom) is looking forward to the freedom when she (niece) is not here. Also, my Mom smokes, she’s 80 (and a half) years old and has smoked since she was 14 years old. No cancer, but serious emphysema, major disruption to any sense of normal breathing, having to use a minimum of 3 different inhalers, total loss of short term memory, and an insecure sense of what she can do and what she’s capable of doing, and all the wobbles therein for those of us living with her.
So, drum-roll please: it’s okay for my Mom to make negative comments. I have this reaction to my Mom (and probably others!), when she spouts out negative comments, just (seemingly) for the heck of it. Does she do it to create a reaction? Does she do it because she wants to disagree? Does she do it because she didn't have the voice during other times in her life to have an opinion of her own? I don't know why she does it, but here's what I've gotten to: It doesn’t mean anything, about them, or about the subjects on which they’re commenting. For example: we’re sitting here watching the first game between the Tampa Bay Rays and the Boston Red Sox. The BoSox pitcher, Matsuzaka, has a no-hitter going into the 7th inning, which is impressive. Almost enough for me to root for the no-hitter to stay intact, even though I want Tampa to win the series.
And Mom says, “Someone’s going to hit the ball.” Just that, without any emphasis or foregone knowledge. So just reading that, in the here and now, it doesn’t seem like much. But knowing Mom, it’s par for the course. There’s always going to be some less-than-positive outcome to whatever is going on. Honestly, it’s been hard to come to terms with, to let go of the desire to have her be one of the happy people, someone who could put her hopes on the line and actually root for a no-hitter to happen. But beyond that, if you don’t dig deep into the pathology of negativity, it’s quite easy to just let it be her comment about that particular subject. Sometimes it’s harder. Any time there’s a conversation about the McCain/Obama presidential race, she’ll say with no equivocation, “He’s (Obama) not going to win. No way.”
One of the things I’ve learned in this new-ish relationship with my Mom is to put aside the parent-child relationship, and be with her, knowledgeable adult with knowledgeable adult. If someone in a bar or coffee shop or check out line said the same thing, I’d have a completely different reaction to their utterance than I do when my Mom says it. (Did I mention her short-term memory loss? She says it A LOT). To anyone else, I’d ask about their reasoning, how could they sound so sure about something that was so up in the air, etc. If they seemed able, I would even try to engage them in a conversation about their reasoning, knowledge, background, and even their hopes for the future. I know my Mom wants Obama to win, but she wanted McGovern to win too, and Carter his second term, and Gore, and Kerry.
From here I can get into the pathology behind unfulfilled wishes. For my Mom, I think the list is long. She lost her Dad and brother within 6 months of each other during World War II, when she was 14 years old, and the only child left at home. Her Mom, my Granny, busied herself with work. My Mom has told me many times in the past couple of years of the freedom she had because of her Mom’s focus on things outside the home. I can imagine that in some ways the freedom was nice to have, but that she would have given that up in a heartbeat if it could mean the return of either her father or brother.
She's lost children, two, both daughters. The first, Anne, died a day or two after being born 2 months premature in 1958. In 1970, Sarah was 3 and a half years old when she died of croup. (In my life, I divide things into 'before Sarah' and 'after Sarah').
And then there were all the things that happened to everyone during the 1960’s, 1970’s etc.
Is it easier at this point for her to be negatively outspoken, because then she can’t be hurt, because she didn’t really wish for something good anyway? Is there some comfort for her in being able to say, “I told you so,” when it comes to things like elections, job and career pursuits, relationships, etc? I don’t know.
What I do know though is that there is room enough in this house for me to say, “I hope he wins,” or “Wow, wouldn’t it be cool to witness a no-hitter in a pennant race?” AND for her to have her thoughts and statements about it as well. I know that I am not judged for my optimism. I am sure of my big-heartedness and (love for her) that I can be with her and be free of judgement towards her.
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